TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of place. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let's have One more position where by American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer Every person a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, Trump Tower Damascus generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he must stop employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head obvious from space, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "wherever's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is presently attracting focus from international traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where my PTSD may have flip-down services."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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